she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
