I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
They took my balls.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
