I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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