I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
