i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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