You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
