She is in my trunk
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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