Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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