Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize