Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
