I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize