I'm so fucking centered right now
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
