I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
