Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
where does the pee come out of this thing
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
