Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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