watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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