if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
