all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I have tasted many bathrooms
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
