I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
