Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
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