I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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