if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
