Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
