your parents love me but you hate me
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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