Can i not drive my cunt home
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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