cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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