What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
