How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
