never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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