You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
