i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
