My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize