4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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