listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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