You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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