I accidentally had phone sex last night
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
