K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I looked at my own cervix.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
