I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
