i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my being single is dangerous.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
