Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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