i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
