have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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