Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
