Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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