Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
