I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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