I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
i've created a new STD.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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