My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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