dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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