she kept yelling 'call me bella'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
