I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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