Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
