Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
