like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
