I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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