Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
