and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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