so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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