For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
