WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
