I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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